Marion’s Conundrum

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Guest Post by David Rivinus

Marion looked perturbed; that wasn’t like her. 

A skilled, beloved and highly respected theater costume designer, she had trained pros who were now working on Broadway. And recently, she had agreed to mentor amateurs who showed promise. They paid her hourly for her instruction and put their new-found skills to a variety of uses. 

“OK, Marion, what’s up?” I probed.

She sighed. “I’ve got this woman coming in tomorrow who’s a real challenge. She’s good, no question about it. But she’s bossy and manipulative. She’s also loaded with money. Last week, she bought 10 hours of my time, and she almost drove me crazy. Tomorrow, she’s coming back for three more.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how I’m going to survive it.”

I smiled. “Well, it seems to me you’ve got some choices: You can kick her out. You can put up with her. Or, if you’re game, there’s always the dream.”

Marion glared at me. “It’s not a dream,” She corrected. “It’s real life.”

“There’s no difference,” I shot back. “It’s just a dream you’re having while you’re awake. In fact, it’s even called A Waking Dream.”

Marion’s glare turned skeptical, spiced with a pinch of cynicism. After a poignant moment, she finally ventured, “OK, lay it on me.” 

“Well,” I chuckled, “in my world everything’s a dream—even when you’re awake. And in the world of dreams, you come to understand that whatever you perceive is you.” 

I let that sink in for a moment. Then: “You talked about this woman being bossy and manipulative. If ‘whatever you perceive is you,’ then it implies that, when you complain about her, you are also describing yourself. Can you resonate with ‘bossy and manipulative?’” 

Sometimes people have a hard time seeing their own shortcomings, but Marion had no trouble.

“Actually, yeah!” Her reply was immediate, emphatic and acceptable to her. “In the theater business, that’s the only way you can get going.” A pause. “But I don’t need to push my way to the top anymore; I’m already there. I keep trying to change—be kinder—but that stuff keeps creeping in—it’s so much a part of who I’ve become—and I find myself still acting like a pushy newcomer—just like that friggin’ woman I’m seeing tomorrow; it drives me nuts.” She exhaled sharply. “I’ve fought with myself for years over this, but it never gets better.”

“Well, if it were me,” I offered, “I’d try a different approach.”

“Yeah? What would that be?”

“You told me that this pushy, manipulative part of you was essential near the beginning of your career. Right?”

“Right.”

“So, did you ever bother to thank it for its service to you?”

Silence.

“I mean, if it hadn’t been such a prominent part of you, you probably wouldn’t have succeeded.”

More pensive silence.

“If it were me, instead of being angry and frustrated with a part of myself that did me a huge favor, if this waking dream were mine, here’s what I’d do: I’d wait until I had some quiet time to myself—maybe in the evening after a nice dinner—I’d go to my most comfortable chair, and I’d sit there until I was totally relaxed. Then I’d call on this pushy, manipulative part of myself, (Let’s give her a name; how about pushy Denise?) and when I knew Denise was absolutely front and center in my awareness, I would envelop her in all the love and kindness and gratitude I could muster from the depths of my being.”

I let her absorb that little speech, and then I went on.

“I would have a conversation with Denise, and it would go something like this: ‘Thank you, Denise, so much for all you have done for me. You are a vital, indispensable part of who I am. You are essential to my being, to myself, and to my successes in life, and I would have a hard time trying to exist without you.

“‘But here’s the thing: You and I, Denise, have successfully navigated our way through that pushy part of my life, and instead, we now have a new challenge. You were so helpful to me before. Would you be willing to help me again? With something else? Something different? I know the two of us working together as a team can do what I need. Would you help me? Because now, instead of being pushy and manipulating my way through life, I need to be kind and thoughtful and helpful. I know we can figure out how to do that if we work together. Can I rely on you?’”

It was clear that Marion was taken aback by this new concept. But it was also obvious that she had dropped her initial caustic demeanor, and at the very least, was pondering an idea that was radically new to her.

She chortled. “And you think this is going to work?”

“I have used it many times in my own life and have been amazed at the results. Actually, one of the best parts is that, if you and Denise change the way you are, anything coming into your life has to change, too, to reflect who you have evolved into. If you go home and do this exercise with Denise this evening, don’t be surprised if your encounter tomorrow, which you’re dreading at the moment, is different than anything you expect.”

Skeptical chuckling. “You really think so?”

And me, shrugging, “What do you have to lose by giving it a try?”

A pause, and then, “I guess nothing.”