Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams

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Guest Post by Tom Ziemann

After my divorce, I did some soul-searching. I started doing research for what became my third book, Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams: How to Manifest it from Fantasy to Reality.Failing miserably on the dating scene—Online, in-person, and distant ones—made me keenly aware that I was not seeing the whole picture. (More to come on both Online and Long- Distance relationships.)               

I had inner work to complete. I was thwarting my happiness. My most important relationship, that with myself, had been severely neglected. I had not yet learned to control my inner Anger Dragon. I found the enemy, and he dwelt under my hat. 

I had not yet dealt with my demons. I would only be able to attract and keep a healthy, loving, long-term relationship if all those issues were under control.

At that point, I still had not figured out the difference between being alone and lonely. Come to find out, it is far better to be alone than wishing I was. So, I got busy.

Study and Introspection 

Aside from reading copious amounts of “Relationship literature,” studying online groups, viewing YouTube videos, and listening to Ted talks, I did 100’s of hours of research.

I enlisted the help and guidance from many well-respected expert Therapists, Relationship Counselors, Ph.Ds., Clergy, and others.

When I was emotionally ready, I found the courage to ask myself the tough questions: Why did my last relationship fail? What would I do differently to make my next one last? What behaviors did I need to change? Had I truly forgiven myself any of my X’s? Had I taken adequate time to grieve over my lost relationships?

It also occurred to me that we tend to receive the Love we believe we deserve. Was I finally ready to receive mine? Did I think myself worthy of such? I finally did!

Here’s the secret…The main message from the book is: Creating the relationship of your dreams starts within. Sounds simple, right?

It’s truthfully profound and life-changing that magic can happen when one is ready on both an intellectual and emotional level.  Then comes the challenging part: Being willing to see yourself in an unflattering light; understanding the real you; accepting and LOVING yourself fully; accepting you and all your faults. 

Let go of any preconceived notion of what a relationship should look like. Avoid the “Perfection Trap,” as there have never been any Perfect Relationships. The trick is finding someone who is perfect for you, someone who will accept you as you are, not wanting to change you. 

Learn once and for all to set boundaries—understanding that we tell people how to treat us by our example and actions. Saying NO doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you have taken control of your choices.

Next is knowing EXACTLY what you are looking for. I have never heard of any relationship that can give you 100% of everything you’re looking for; however, knowing things you want and things that won’t work is critical to finding The One. 

I wrote down a list that helped me solidify my thoughts and desires. For example, I sought someone compassionate, spiritual, and not heavily religious. Someone I could sing HUUUUUUUU with; one that didn’t smoke. 

Those were some must-haves. Only you know what works and doesn’t for you.

Doing the work is a central component as well. It means working on yourself first, striving to be a better person today than in the past. You can only step into the same river once. In the same way, you are not the same person you were in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, etc. Hopefully, time has added wisdom and smoothed out youths’ rough edges.                              

Note: The work MUST continue after you find your relationship.                                    Daily steps to keep your relationship fresh, alive, and loving.

Love Languages

Knowing your specific “Love Languages” is critical. In Doctor Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, he describes 5 major areas that people need to feel loved. The premise of the 5 Love Languages book is simple: different people with different personalities give and receive Love in different ways.                          

By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.                                                      

Again, each person gives and receives Love in 5 different ways, they are: 

Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, and Physical touch.

Knowing yours tells you what you need; knowing your partner’s and ACTING on them solidifies a lasting, caring relationship.

Two areas that some of the people I coached have asked about were: Online Dating and Long-Distance Dating.                                                                

News Flash: Online Dating has become socially accepted!

I am a fan of it for many reasons. It allows you to search 100’s of local singles in your area and distant ones. It can also give the prospective suitor an idea about the other’s interests, background, education, and whether they are close enough or are interested in pursuing a long-distance relationship.

Online and Long-Distance Dating

I found the following list I found online helpful.

Is online dating more effective? (54%) say that relationships where couples meet through a dating site or app are just as successful as those that begin in person; 38% believe these relationships are less successful.

The Pros of Online Dating are: Convenience, Variety of potential partners, and no need to dress up for Online Dating. You’re more relaxed; no need to impress anyone. Lower fear of rejection. Perfectly suitable for shy people. Connect to more potential partners at once.

The Cons of Online Dating are: You may attract the wrong types of people. People often don’t look like their pictures. Harder to connect. More dependent on looks (or height in my case, as many women won’t date a shorter man than themselves, and some won’t date any man who’s not 6′ tall). 

Online Dating can be costly—fake personal profiles. Many people do not have serious intentions; it’s harder to maintain relationships through Online Dating, and finally, privacy concerns related to Online Dating.

There are safety precautions to exercise when doing the Online Dating thing. Find a quality site such as Match.com, E Harmony, etc. Unless you’re looking for a hook-up, avoid Tinder. Sign up with a throwaway email address. Use different photos for your dating profile. Make sure they are current and YOUR PHOTO. Take the time to write your profile carefully; no grammatical errors, folks. 

Avoid connecting with suspicious profiles. If something looks too good to be true, it probably is. Trust your gut. Be wary of opening attachments or links. Block and report suspicious users. Don’t respond to requests for financial help. Video chat before you meet up in person.

Finally, meet in a public place!

Online Dating takes time and effort but can be rewarding! As far as Long-Distance dating, the same rules apply. Decide precisely how far a distance you’re willing to go. Avoid the mistake I made: Falling in Love with Love.

My 18-Step Guide to Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams

Your relationship has ended. Before jumping mindlessly into the next one,            consider the following before moving on:

Accept what happens.

Use that time to Assess what happened, not assign blame

Take the appropriate time to Grieve

Address any issues you need to work on as you heal past wounds.

Forgive yourself and your ex, thereby giving yourself inner peace

Give yourself the Love you deserve, treating yourself as you would want a partner to treat you

Create your Master Dream Relationship List. Be specific about what you want and what you don’t want

Visualize it as if it has already happened

Be Proactive, do the things you read that resonate with you

Daily Effort creates opportunities; follow up on them

When you find a potentially good match, set the Groundwork for Success

Use Effective direct Communication with your new relationship                            

Ensure you both know each other’s wants, needs, and expectations

Don’t confuse Love with Lust; give your new relationship time to know the difference

Learn and implement your Love Languages, both yours and your partners

Set Boundaries and Expectations concerning your new relationship

Don’t Settle for mediocrity; far better to be alone than to wish you were

Keep Positive, be open to Possibilities, and do the work required

Follow your Heart, trust your Gut, and take your Brain with you

I wish everyone reading a wonderful life full of unforgettable experiences.

____________________

Please Note: If you like what you’ve read here, the entire book is available in audiobook, eBook, and paperback on Amazon.com. Please feel free to contact Tom via his website: https://tomziemann.com.

Thomas E. Ziemann is a Spiritual Mentor with over 42 years of extensive nonsecular research and meditative practices. He delivers engaging, uplifting lectures on Spirituality, Meditation, Relationships, Life Purpose, and Anger Management. He holds annual Satsang Gatherings featuring prominent speakers and teachers at the Zen Gardens.                                                                                                                           

Thomas has written 3 acclaimed books: The Department of Zenitation: A Laymen’s Guide to Making Spirituality work in Real Life, Taming the Anger Dragon: From PISSED OFF to Peaceful, and Creating the Relationship of your Dreams: How to Manifest it from Fantasy to Reality. All available here on Amazon.com.

Thomas is the proud father of two brilliant daughters, married to his best friend, and is a loving Cat Daddy for their 7 Cats and Dog. He rescues Koi and Rabbits and sculpts pumpkins for various Charities. He is a life coach who lives near Portland, Oregon.