Spiders, Sushi, and Books: My Shift from Atheist to Spiritual

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Guest Post by Jamie Zella

For most of my life, I identified as atheist. This past year, however, something shifted.

A few things happened that pushed me onto my spiritual journey. First, it seemed that all the new people coming into my life were spiritual. My whole life, I had been closed off to believing in any sort of higher power.

There was no such thing as God, no spiritual beings, nothing and nobody watching over me. But after meeting these new people, I was also met with curiosity. I decided to befriend it. I opened my mind and started paying more attention.

Spiders

I have a debilitating fear of spiders. Early this year, I was at home sitting at my makeup desk. I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I looked down and saw a spider crawling on my shirt. I screamed, jumped, and shook it off.

It landed on the floor. In the past, I would’ve killed it. But something told me not to. Heart racing, yet calm, I did the cup and paper method to safely transport it outside. Still full of adrenaline, I texted my mom (Pichaya Avery) about the experience. She knows I am terrified of spiders. My mom is a very spiritual person and told me to pay attention to signs. So I texted her to ask her what she thought it could mean. 

“Well, you have had a fear of spiders since you were little. Perhaps this was a test for you and a metaphor for a bigger picture. When faced with something you fear, will you approach it with courage, or will you run away?” 

Her interpretation felt like exactly what I needed at the time. I told her how right before the spider event happened, I had just been thinking about how I was scared to go to New York for Fashion Week castings for the first time. Incredibly, the spider made me feel like I had the courage to do anything. 

After this, I delved into spiritual YouTube videos and books. And I cried, a lot. It felt incredible. I had never felt so connected to myself. All the new things that I was learning just felt so right and true. Listening to signs from the universe, learning to surrender, and practicing gratitude have now become part of my daily life. 

Now, while I still am afraid of spiders, I view them as good luck and messages of courage from the universe. Since the initial event, I have received a few more visits from spiders. On my 23rd birthday at the park, a little one came to crawl on my dress. I think she was saying happy birthday.

And, currently, I am in Thailand to live here for a few months. It is something that I have been excited about for a while, and at the same time, I have been scared. During my taxi ride from the Suvarnabhumi airport after landing here, a little spider came to crawl on me. I gasped and brushed her off of me but thanked the universe for the reminder of courage. I think she was saying, “Welcome to Thailand. You can be brave.”

Sushi

Recently, I had been in a mindset that I needed to save money, even though I was financially stable. I was restricting myself from buying things that I wanted. By far, my largest monthly expense (besides rent) is food. I love sitting down at a restaurant to eat. I love dressing up and enjoying the whole experience.

Usually I go by myself, I love being in my own company. Living in LA, every time I go out to eat, I spend at least $20 – $30. As you can imagine, it adds up fast. So, I had told myself I needed to stop spending so much money on food. Being in a scarcity mindset like that was unusual for me. 

I had been forcing myself to cook at home. I do not identify as a good cook. I did not like any of the meals that I cooked for myself. I rushed the process and skipped steps. I remember eating raw bread with avocado on it, I didn’t even take the time to toast it. I chewed the food and eating it felt like a chore.

Eating is supposed to be joyful! Where did all the joy go! I was craving my favorite food: sushi. Salmon nigiri, to be specific. I decided to take myself out on a date. I deserve all the things I want! 

I went to a conveyor belt style restaurant and got comfy in a booth. I grabbed all the salmon plates in sight. That first bite, and all the bites that followed, were heavenly. I ate slooowly. I let the food sit on my tongue. I closed my eyes and savored it. I was so HAPPY. This is how eating is supposed to feel! I knew this was the right decision. 

I thought about how in the past, when I’ve lived in an abundance mindset and given myself everything I want with no restrictions, the universe does the same. In that very moment: eyes closed, smiling, feeling gratitude and a knowing that everything will be okay, I received an email from a brand that I love for a big paid partnership opportunity. 

Sitting alone at the sushi restaurant, I began to cry. I have been crying a lot this past year. So many tears of profound gratitude and joy. This was a clear confirmation that I literally have nothing to worry about. The universe has my back. 

Books

When will I get to fall in love? When will it be my turn? Can it happen soon please? 

On one especially lonely night, I sat on my floor, lit my candles, and cried. Then I began to pray. I asked the universe a combination of those questions. 

I decided to open a book at random as a method of receiving any messages the universe wanted to give me. 

The first line read, “If I am not giving my all to myself, I am not giving my all, at all.” 

I already started to cry but kept reading. The entire page resonated deeply, but here are a few more lines that stood out:

“We don’t recognize that we cannot give what we do not have.”

“Just for today, take care of the little things in your heart, your mind and your life that have a major impact on your ability to help and give to the world.”

I have asked similar questions on multiple occasions, whether it be by opening a book at random or using my tarot deck. 

No matter how many times I ask or try to rephrase it, the answer always remains the same: “You need to pour into yourself first.” 

I can’t help but laugh. The universe has no problem telling me the same thing over and over again until l get it. 

Okay.

I hear you loud and clear.

Jamie Zella is a model and influencer. She enjoys creating content to inspire and connect with her audience. She loves spending time in nature, exploring, reading, and bonding with her two cats. Please follow her on Instagram.